clear blue.

Sitting down for what feels like the first time today and the clock reads 9:35pm. I take a deep breath, celebrating the accomplishment of getting three tiny tots to bed, including a second bath for sweet Lanie who just threw up.

I’m eating a spinach salad with grilled chicken in a mixing bowl, when I would kind of rather be eating a tub of ice cream. I turn the TV on to feast on a show that does not include a patrol of pups coming to the rescue or a curious monkey.

I decide on Nashville. I’ll secretly admit to you that there is part of me that so wants to be country. We don’t have cable, so I’m enjoying this guilty pleasure on Hulu, which only has a handful of commercials. In between the Verizon and All State ad, I now catch the Clear Blue commercial for the third time. A commercial of celebration and surprise announcements, tears and laughter and pure joy as the pregnancy test comes back positive every time.

First time parents who have no idea what they are getting themselves into with smiles that won’t retreat. Parents welcoming their third who celebrate because they know EXACTLY what they are getting themselves into. Beautiful. If I don’t look away, I can’t help but tear up, as if I know these people on the screen and am next in line to give them a big hug.

I am reminded in this moment, as I sit solo enjoying dinner from an oversized bowl with feet propped up, that I am really quite amazed at the variety of emotions that my heart can take at one time. As many of you know, we have experienced two back-to-back miscarriages over the past 7 months. But what I am so thankful for is that in the midst of deep pain and loss, that there is hope and birth and good news. Several of my friends are expecting or have recently had babies. Two of them are due at the very time that I would have delievered, had we not had the first miscarriage this past fall.

I really had no idea that so many feelings across the spectrum would explode within the same second. My mourning is lifted when I hear of a dear friend expecting her third. My tears of sadness transform to tears of joy when I see the belly of my friend growing, knowing that she has been waiting for this sweet child for so long. I am so grateful to God that this silly Clear Blue commercial has reminded me that my heart is capable of rejoicing for those around me even when it would be easy to retreat from it. And isn’t that what life is all about any way? The raw and real. The scars and sacred. So simple and yet so tangled up.

The pain is there, but pure joy is there too.